A V-day for the books...

So I feel weird. My stomach is doing flip-flops, I can't sleep, my heart is pounding like mad... yeah, must have something to do with a boy....

I've been crushing on this guy for MONTHS now. My friends are quite disgusted by my lack of action. I'm quite disgusted by my lack of action. Today I finally put an end to all of the wondering....I think. When he wrote to tell me he couldn't make it to "Single Awareness Night" (aka Valentine's Day for people without a mate), I wrote back asking if we could "reschedule...just the two of us."

*insert nervous scream here*

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. The front car. At the top of the hill. Hanging. Staring down. Knowing the fall won't kill me, but not able to stop from screaming anyway. I'm not even sure what to hope for. I'm not even sure which of the thousands of "what if's" that have crossed my mind would be the best-case-scenario.

If he says no, at least then it would be done. No more wondering.

But obviously I wouldn't ask if I didn't hope he'd say yes...

But if he says yes then what? My mind reels at the thought...

Holy shit.

What would I wear, where would we go, what would we talk about, would it be a "mercy date" or is he actually interested, what if he breaks my heart, what if I break his.....

Now do you see? why I can't sleep?

Argh. I wish my brain had an on/off switch.

Really what needs to happen now is I need to just let it go. I know that whatever is for the best will happen. That's ok. I don't have, nor do I need, absolute control over my life. I need a mantra...

*I am whole. I am enough. I am happy. *
Repeat from * to * until it sinks in.