Pent Up Anger

I think one of the keys to living a simpler life is living up to what you feel. I'm not a proponent of venting on people, but I do think it can be healthy to at least be honest with yourself. Time for honesty.

Even though I will admit openly, I had a decent childhood in the grand scheme of things; and I do speak well of my parents, I have to confess I have some pent up anger. Toward them. Well, mostly Dad. Less so Mom, primarily because she has been so much better during my adult-life. Usually, I keep that anger (well, let's be honest...virtually all my anger) in a box, stuffed away in the back of my mind, but when I think about it too long...it creeps out.

When I was a kid, I remember always feeling different. Not just at school. More so at home. Mom, Dad, and Darin had this club. I wasn't a member. They would laugh at me and tease me. I also remember how much I know I couldn't say in front of them. Usually when I spoke up I was laughed at, ignored, told to shut up, or slapped in the mouth. Nobody could understand how much I needed (and still need) positive attention, open displays of affection, things a kid shouldn't need to go without.

It has taken me a long time to figure out that not everyone in this world thinks what I say is worthless. I'm still surprised when people don't think I'm a joke, when they encourage me to be myself. Maybe that's it. My family never accepted me the way I was. Now I just don't care as much what they think. No. That's not true. I care. A lot. I just hide it better.

All of this is why I love living here. My friends love me. As I am. No need to censor.

Down

I can't seem to perk up. I've been a little down for a couple weeks. Not depressed so much as just a little below average. I'm not sure what it is I should do about this. Yesterday I put up my Christmas tree hoping that would help, but it didn't really.

Ten things I will do this week to attempt cheering up:
1) Call ANWM about America's Next Top Model night.
2) Call Amy about making soup with me.
3) Plan a margarita night.
4) Walk to work everyday. (exercise is supposed to improve your mood...)
5) Finish the book I'm reading and start another. (The current one is about the Holocaust. That can't be helping my mood.)
6) Keep my Christmas tree lights on whenever I'm in my apartment. Hum Christmas tunes.
7) Plan for a cookie baking party with my niece, the aspiring chef.
8) Decide to be happy everyday.
9) Catch up at work.
10) Express to my two best friends exactly how unhappy I've felt about their recent unavailability. (One has a new boyfriend, the other just started grad school.)

After all, you can't complain about something unless you are willing to do something about it.